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Trick or Treat
by TheThinGrayChi and ExquisiteIr

About Trick or Treat

Genre: Entertainment, character stuff for the season, a Halloween treat for 'scapers. Don't take it too critically pleez.

Notes: copious thanks to Exquisite, without whom my silly idea would never have the richness of personality or been done anytime soon :-o

Rating: PG I guess.

Disclaimer: here's the scary part: Farscape and characters aren't mine! They belong to The Jim Henson Company and the very thought of being sued for this profitless entertainment is frightening.

Feedback: do! Me at thethingraychi@yahoo.com and he at ExquisiteIrony@hotmail.com. I wrote a lot of this one. If it isn't right don't rant at Exquisite! My fault and um I wouldn't really object to any um nice feedback too hint hint, hmmm?


"So besides these 'tricks', there were 'treats'?" Zhaan asks.

John is still watching the seemingly completely uninterested Aeryn and snaps his attention back. "Yup. Sometimes, especially the kids, you get dressed up as scary or imaginary stuff", he dips what he fancies to be French fries in what is a little like ketchup, doesn't know, doesn't ask, "and you go from one house to another, knock on the doors and they give out treats, candy and stuff."

"Yes", Zhaan is genuinely puzzled, "But what is the purpose?"

"Mmm." John blinks a moment. He glances at Chi who sits munching hyper-attentively: Chi blinks in echo and tilts her head. "Well a lot of people used to get scared of Witches. Old ladies or total babes with long hair or gray hair. Scary clothes. They supposedly did amazing things. Unnatural things."

"What are 'scary' clothes?"

"You'd make a hottie doll of a witch with a black pointed cap and your cape on, Pip."

She shifts excitedly in her chair "Whoa!"

"Or a near skeleton...Anyway I guess the whole witch, scary, supernatural stuff and post-Celtic rural New England trappings got spoofed that way and people had fun with knocking it off."

D'Argo just shakes his head, annoyed if anything. Chi is amused though. "Sounds like fun" Chi enthuses.

"Yeah I think you'd be a terror on the pranks angle", John chuckles to himself. "Lot of fun, Pip. Good stuff...scary music, ghost stories, songs, hunts, apples, pies...pumpkin".

Chi tilts her head: "You do what with your kin?"

A 'fry' falls from John's astounded open mouth. He soon recovers and shudders. "Man. Aliens. Don't go there Pip. Pumpkin. Pies. A vegetable."

"Like Zhaan?", Chi asks munching and gesturing to Zhaan with the fry in her upheld hand. She smiles in a moment, breaking Zhaan's stare into a laugh. Chi winks at her.

"Not as delicious", John winks to Zhaan himself as she arranges her dress in a flattered, haute manner. Aeryn gives him an un-entertained flat look. "Naw, just a big roundish vege, makes a mush with a lot of savory spices, bake it on a breading bottom..."

"You told us about pies", Chi assures him. "Any of those spices we got taste like it?"

"Dunno. Let's see." He wipes his hands and follows Chi and Zhaan into the galley.

****

"Finally", D'Argo meets John outside the galley. "We need to go over those charts."

"Right. Well, gotta give Chi something to do. She's going to make pumpkin pies for us. Sort of."

"She made sure you had those...'fries' last commerce stop even if nobody can stand them but you." He is irritated.

John stashes the smile. "Yeah. She's a doll that way. Let's go see where we're stumbling into next."

****

"NO! I HAVE HAD ENOUGH OF YOUR INSINUATIONS HUMAN! WE ARE NOT GOING THERE! YOU ARE TRYING TO GET US KILLED!" D'Argo roars. John tries again to slip out of the door before the hyper-raging Luxan looses it the rest of the way but D'Argo cuts him off again.

"Steady man, it's okay, we'll skip it! That's cool with me."

"BETRAYER! ALL OF YOU!" he reaches for his Qualta blade and John barely makes it to the door as D'Argo was reaching for his blade, scrambling down the corridors like never before.

Until he hears the robust wheezing laughter of D'Argo. John stops and tries to stay cool as D'Argo walks up and nearly crushes him under an arm he throws over John's shoulder. Eventually he starts laughing along.

Aeryn appears, irritable. "Crichton. You said you were going to service that flying drenheap of yours. Well we should do it now while I can assist, before I have to service mine."

"Right with you there, Sundance. Hey, big guy, gotta go while the call is sounding, man."

"Gotcha", D'Argo aims a finger in imitation of one of John's Earth ways. John doesn't get away without a bone-jarring whack from the big guy.

****

"I can't see around this pod to adjust it, Aeryn", John points out, "just give me the damned coil whatchamajigger and adjust it for me."

Aeryn covers a snicker as she glances to Chi, beaming mischievously, both waiting for John to take that supremely confident, totally unguarded drop into the seat of his module.

=squish=

=pause=

"Aww man that is not what I think that was".

=pause=

"Aww man it- AAH -it is! Aeryn di-" he pops his head over the side to see both ladies laughing. "Chiana!" he hotly yells.

"Don't look at me, Aeryn did it, it was her idea, it was Aeryn's idea, she just asked me to help it was not my idea. Aeryn's. Entirely."

He stares incredulously as Aeryn is just holding back the noise if not all the action of laughing. She nods her head affirmatively. Her reddening face explodes into another round of laughter as she manages: "You should see your face! I told you it was a dren heap but you wouldn’t listen to me", she barely manages.

****

"Whatever Crichton", Aeryn brushes off, annoyed, as they pass the doorway to John's room. "Just get into something clean and finish the servicing."

"Hey wanna help me?" he cheekily flirts to a sneer from Aeryn.

"Yeah, sure, no problem", Chi goes to follow him in, yanked abruptly by the arm back out and off with Aeryn.

****

John rifles through his selection of clothing, to find a real corpse inhabiting his flight suit!

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!" he yells "Holy jeez man hooooooo!" he scrambles clean out of his room, barely avoiding the waiting Aeryn and Chiana. They barely contain their laughter.

"Where the hell did you get that!?"

"Rygel." Chi informs. "I ah, I gave him a little prank and to get out of it he...promised to provide something useful. So he decided a prank on you would be fun. So he produced that. Don't ask me who that was, or where he got it. He probably thought it might be useful for scare tactics if we're invaded or something. Scary, huh?"

"Remind me to thank Rygel. In kind." He returns into his room as the two burst into laughter over his expressions.

****

John emerges in new clothes to the sound of Rygel over the comm. "Crichton. Can you come to Zhaan's directly?"

"Hey Sparky. Just the man, frog, Muppet, whatever, I want to see."

His dastardly plans are put aside when he hears the strange chanting of Zhaan. Rygel is watching through a wall opening, looking rather afraid.

The only light is a glow from Zhaan's. John looks in to see the naked form of Zhaan standing before a lantern. Once he gets past the exotic spectacle of Zhaan herself, he notes the strange pulsing of the lantern, its odd light and a strange glowing mist hovering eerily over her outstretched hands.

"Man, who needs a witch", John breathes.

"Why, was the PeaceKeeper bitch that upset?" Rygel quietly asks. John chalks that up to translator microbes and declines the impulse to give Rygel some more immediate threat. Both forget it altogether as a burst of light draws their eyes to the mist forming over Zhaan's hands. It suddenly forms shadows of them: Zhaan standing, and behind her, them watching her. Zhaan steps over the lantern to stand facing them, lit from below and before, but neither can stare at her body: her face has a wicked, eyeless mask of smiling menace. "Come".

Both resolve to go.

"Come, I said", she appears in a mist forming in the corridor before them. They both timorously enter her room and approach her.

A stray thought crosses John's mind: man, the movies never had a sorceress this weird and…hot. He shakes the notion in a hurry with the slightest tilt forwards of her scary smile. Her eyes are blue/white and centerless he notices to his horror. He knows what red means, but this?

"Breath deep, the gathering-"

"-'gloom, watch lights fade in every room', yeah been there Zhaany, or whoever or whatever you are, just...play nice and give back Zhaan and we won't hurt you."

"Yes - begone foul spirit!" Rygel grandly proclaims, from behind John.

She/it chuckles evilly, yet strangely whimsically. Suddenly they begin to notice they are...floating in a cloud or something...

****

Zhaan enters the galley and breathes in the savory smells from the stewing mix on the boil. Chiana takes an appreciative overview of Zhaan au natural before approaching: "Have you seen Crichton? I commed him and just got some kind of weird noises".

"Ah, well, he isn't here my dear, at the moment. John will very soon recover with no ill effect whatever. As will Rygel. This smells delicious my dear. Kahlen bless your talents, you really should cook more often my dear."

Chi shrugs in an affected attempt to be casually unaffected, "Just some things I picked up." She steps up alongside: "What did you do?"

"Some mental illusion, smoke illusions and Reflinith vapor I'm afraid."

"Refli- ...Zhaan! No way! But - you're okay?"

"It only affects animals. And don't worry, this variety is strictly fleeting and transient. I have them lying down. They will not be harmed. In minutes they will be 'good as new', as John says, and I had best make myself invisable", she giggles.

"Yeah, and you have that luxury", Chi points out.

"You do that pretty well yourself", Zhaan teases her in turn.

"Yeah. I'll go watch for him, and let you know when he's coming."

"Thank you, my dear. Are you going to give him a 'trick'?"

Chi halts at the door nervously: "Well, no, actually, I think he's probably had plenty". She walks on.

Zhaan smiles to herself sadly and shakes her head. "Poor child".

****

Chiana approaches John as he walks down the corridor. John gives her a suspect gaze: "Chi, I'm not in the mood for a prank so whatever it is, just tell me and forget it." He stops.

She smoothly walks to within a few feet: "Wasn't...I wasn't going to trick you." She smiles endearingly. "Not you."

Crichton's eyes are skeptical, but she's being honest enough he senses.

She softly places her fingers in the palm of his hand. She is avoiding his eyes. "You get a treat". She nuzzles her face into his chest tenderly.

"Whoah-hohuh um", he steps away backwards, "Pumpkin, that's um, that's..." he steps farther and her hand reluctantly lets his hand slip away, "that's, hey I can't wait to try that pie you're making uh", he turns then turns back again to point to her, "that's uh, t-thanks you're a treat all right", he winks. She smiles tightly back with small eyes and he walks away.

She faces a corridor arch and rests her face into it. She silently cries.

****

Crichton is plainly surprised to find Aeryn is in the galley alone, taking a sample of a pie. "Here's one thing I never thought I'd see. You baking pies? You in the galley cooking at all? Aeryn, I am amazed", his impudence would be intolerable but for his cute and sexy approach to clasp his hands around her waist.

"I'm not. Chiana did. I'm taking a sample of this..."

"Pumpkin pie. Well, wannabe pumpkin pie."

She makes all kinds of contorted unpleasant faces before deciding: "This is absolutely delicious. This is, mmm, I didn't think Humans had any taste."

"I didn't know Sebations had taste," he retorts, adding mock arrogance.

"She has no taste in food, but good taste in men", Chi chimes in, strolling in as they self-consciously separate. "Don't let me interrupt. Someone's gotta check the other pies. Uh, why don't you two go ahead and have that one", she places the one huge pie she made special for D'Argo tenderly on the counter and glances at them heeding her suggestion, walking the pie in Aeryn's hand into the mess hall.

****

D'Argo strides into the galley to see Chiana's petite form moving to a tune she is softly chanting, so exactingly yet quirkily as she deftly decorating marjuls on a 'pie' thing of John’s. He watches her for a few microts then swallows hard and speaks up: "Where is Crichton?"

She interrupts her slicing to hold up the knife, spin it and stop it in a point to the doorway to her left dexterously. "In there...having a treat nnnnno mistake", she informs in lusty breathy tones. She picks up in regular tones: "Hey where's froggie? I got a pie for His Odorousness. Pumpkin pie topped with marjuls, perfectly inedible mmmbut I have a hunch Royal Disposal will love it."

D'Argo eyes her back a few more moments, smiles and exhales in fond amusement, "Well. I'm sure you'll find him if you follow your nose." He heads out.

Finished, she goes to pick it up but rubs her hands along her side and takes a tight deep breath in sensual heat, hearing the loving noises from the mess hall. She composes herself and heads out with the pie.

****

"Hey Ryge?"

"What do you want, Chiana? If this is a trick you bony ass-" his words cut off by fingers clamping his lips.

"Clamp it Froglips, unless you want this pie in your kisser", she moves it before his face.

He lights up in ecstatic delight. "Ah! Marjuls!" Shrewd suspicion takes over: " ...on what?"

"Pumpkin Pie. It's an Earfth delicacy. For the better classes," she improvises. It helps.

"Hmmm. But if this is a trick-"

"Shut up, eat it and be grateful, Slimeball", she bends over and kisses his 'cheek'.

He munches on a marjul, watches her departing rear end and grins, not unfondly.

Rounding the nearest intersecting corridor, Chiana smirks to herself.

The thack of piefilling masks the pop of the harmless explosion...

****

D'Argo stops in his tracks at the entrance to his darkened room. Chiana stands before his bed, behind an enormous 'pie' set on a low table, lit on either side by torches from Zhaan's collection. The torchlight plays beautifully over her face and burns in her black eyes. Her silvery slip is pulled low on her breast and both hands brace her aggressively sensually between the torch stands.

He approaches timidly. Yes, timidly. She breaks into a smile in spite of herself. He pulls up short: "Uhhhh - this isn't a 'trick' thing...?" he points a cautious finger.

"Naaw, 's more, ah, 'treat'. Only trick's gonna be satisfying your ah...appetites, big man. I think I got the right stuff here."

He swallows a huge lump.

****

"Ah- hold still", John wipes the bit of pie from Aeryn's lip.

She promptly takes another fingers full bite of pie. "Mmm. Only thing I don't follow. Why would people go around doing dren like this to surprise people when everybody is expecting it?"

"Well, if it's good, it still works."

She smiles, teasingly: "I know that, but I was talking about your 'holloeen'".

He runs his fingers over his chin, a bit embarrassed: "Yeah well um, I don't know. Like I said if it works it works."

"'If it aeint broke don't fix it'" she quotes him.

"Yeah", he agrees, with flustered amusement.

She makes an acknowledging nod and strides towards the galley: "I'm going to have that other 'pie'."

"Hey", he backs her into the doorway, blocking her way with both arms on either side of her, "How about dessert?"

She makes a mildly annoyed 'what?' flinch: "'dessert'?"

"Remind me to explain that one sometime", he moves into a welcoming treat...

"All right...later".

****

~the End~

:)


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