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"Crichton Kicks"
Last action hero.

Click here to read the Farscape World review for this episode.


Well, not exactly. Some time after the events of Dog with Two Bones, Crichton is in his module and conversing with a pilot who rescued him a long time ago, huge beard in full swing, saying that he's almost out of fuel, so he needs a little help. He apologises admitting that he now accepts his friends aren't coming back from the wormhole, and says he can't leave them (the Leviathan and Pilot) and asks to be let back in. He shouts, awaking a female Pilot who says she must've dosed off. John goes back aboard the ageing Leviathan, and Pilot tells him that, since the what they have won't work in his module unless purified and reduced, there's nothing aboard that can facilitate his escape before they die. She says that she and Elack (the Leviathan) promised each other they'd die in this sacred burial ground (see log Dog with Two Bones) when they were joined over 350 cycles ago. John says that he would've died a long time ago without the, and that he's almost cracked "wormholes for dummies".

Crichton goes down to the maintenance bay when Pilot tells him there's a small craft approaching, and it's out of control. The ship flies into the bay and crashes into a load of crates before coming to a halt among flames. Out steps an enchanting redhead, who is met by Winona, John's pulse pistol. She is Sikozu Svala Shanti Sugaysi Shanu, and suggests he aim his gun behind him as the creatures following her execute on site, and she then asks what he is now going to do for her.

Sikozu tells John that there shouldn't be anyone aboard a dying ship, but he cuts her off with "Who? What? When? Where? Why? And How?" She informs him that her brain can't tolerate translator microbes and she must learn his language by hearing it. She points to various things around the bay and Crichton tells her what they're called, then at her prompt recites the alphabet in his typical lyrical fashion. Pilot tells John that another vessel approaches, one much larger than before. Sikozu asks if she can StarBurst, prompting John to point out that she speaks Pilot. Sikozu tells him to make sentences, nouns, verbs, so he tells her that once upon a time he was happy here, a little on the lonely side, but that was OK as Winona only had to start cooking fires. His module's out of fuel and he's not going anywhere and he's "working like a MoFo", with everything finally coming together on the crates until she smashes through, pissing him off just a little bit; the only thing he had going for him she just destroyed. Sikozu says that the Grudeks will shock the hull, incapacitating most functioning. Not Pilot though, they need her alive to harvest the toubray tissue. Suddenly, they hear people boarding, so Sikozu quickly tells John they need to find an enclosed space, as the Grudeks are about to fumigate.

The two are in John's module, where he asks who the Grudeks are, to which she replies "toubray hunters", toubray being Leviathan neural cluster tissue consumed by many cultures to enhance higher brain functions. She was with them until she fled for her life. The organisation she works for was hired to find Leviathans, so she was given half a cycle to become an expert on their functions and habits. She worked hard to find the sacred place because toubray is richer with age and so the Grudeks are happy, but her reasoning is that harvesting this Leviathan is better than killing a young one along with everyone aboard.

In John's mind, on a beautiful beach, he and Harvey are running along the shore. Harvey asks him how many men have a challenge, a goal, a destiny clear as his, and tells him to stay focussed on the riddle of the wormhole, affect the things he can. A familiar voice, a lady sunbathing in a scant bikini, tells John that Harvey is right. It's Aeryn, and John asks her to tell him again why she left. She rolls over revealing that she is pregnant, and says she's not right for him, she was just the best of limited choices. He says that's his kid, Crichton's kid, but she says this is her child. "Whatever."

The Russian sounding Grudeks arrive on board to begin the hunt. John is trying to bring Pilot back to consciousness, but she has virtually no systems at her disposal, so she recommends they save themselves; maybe in passing they (she and Elack) can save some others. John wants to fight for them, and asks for any DRDs that remain with weapons. He asks Sikozu if they can negotiate, she says it's not their way. He says that it's time for a show of force, and shouts some Klingon at them. One of the Grudeks shouts back that they have no quarrel with him, remain clear and he may live. But John says not if they destroy his ship, so the Grudek tells them to flee, and John replies to flip that around – they have sixty microts... but the Grudeks open fire. John fires back, adding that a show of force is the only thing Klingons understand. Sikozu tells him to make them think he's dead, but he decides to instead fire again, prompting them to release the Brindz hound; a blood hunter.

Sikozu expects to find a hatchway in a certain place, but it's not where she expects, prompting John to mention that every Leviathan grows to accommodate its passengers, and realises that Sikozu's never actually been on one before. As they run to where the hatchway is, the hound jumps past them, then circles back as John opens fire. Sikozu runs up a wall and calls for him to hurry up and shift his gravity centre. He shoots and runs into a small space, just as the hound bites his leg.

Sikozu fixes John up, commenting how his vein needs to be smaller to accommodate shifting his gravity centre. He asks why she ran from the Grudeks, and she replies that she was too good; by finding the sacred burial space with mature toubray she sabotaged herself, breaching her contract so the Grudeks don't even have to pay her organisation. The Grudeks continue to hunt, and Sikozu knows they haven't found what they're looking for yet as the lights in the area are still active. John is preparing to ambush the Grudeks when he gets a comm. from Chiana and Rygel who are wondering why he's here, and they're in the maintenance bay.

The Grudeks find John and Sikozu, and their leader Ilkog says it's certain Sikozu won't tell anyone about this place, when she's dead. John gets up and aims at Ilkog, saying that he'll take their earlier runaway offer. The Grudeks fire but are held off by a DRD, 1812. As John and Sikozu run along, the hound catches up and bits off Sikozu's hand. Fade to John shaving, as Chiana berates Sikozu and Rygel asks if John hasn't seen Moya. Their pod isn't going anywhere – they were lucky to get this far. John asks what's wrong with Chiana, so she asks Rygel to tell him what's the matter. Rygel asks why he's shaving now, and Chiana tells John he is what's he matter with her. It's him, always him. She shows a wanted beacon with Commandant Grayza (see log Lambs to the Slaughter) offering an unprecedented reward, with five million currency pledges resting on the Nebari Chiana's shoulders, dead or alive. These beacons are everywhere – every port, bar and ship that can fly. All because of him. She goes over and kisses him as Rygel adds that he is worth seven million. Chiana asks why he's shaving now and he answers that he's finally figured our wormholes. Rygel is surprised, as Crichton reminds them who better to save a Leviathan than them. Sikozu reminds them to fetch her hand, as she can re-bond with her flesh. John tells Rygel to get it and goes off with Chiana. She tells John not to confuse her and Sikozu, prompting him to pin her up against the wall to talk about "it", whatever "it" is. She says her visions have evolved. There's a cheat-proof game in the casinos, and she won seven times in a row, and they arrested her, had a little fun, tortured her, nothing new. She doesn't see the future, rather the present – it slows down, but it leaves her with blinding headaches, as if it uses up her eyes so she can't see. Each time it happens the effect lasts longer. John says that they'll find a way to fix it when they get out of here, but to screw the dog they'll need rope, a rabbit and a membrane. Chiana decides to get the rope and leave the rest for him. Meanwhile, Rygel gets as close as he can to the Grudeks, telling John they're still down there.

John is back on the beach with Aeryn, feeling the baby kick. He says that it's a boy but Aeryn says girls kick harder. John retorts that maybe it's not his, and she says he just won't let that rest, and after suggesting other possible fathers they feel the kicks some more.

Rygel finds John in a corridor and mentions that he sees he is still obsessed, and John asks if Aeryn said anything to him before he left. "Goodbye, good luck, good riddance" he replies, but John says that's what Rygel said and he is not obsessed. He asks again, and Rygel tells him for once to listen; when your lover leaves you repeatedly take the hint! John replies that was the plan, but Rygel knows how his plans go.

Chiana finds Sikozu striking a bargain with a Grudek and shoots him. She and Sikozu get into a fight before John and Rygel arrive to pull them apart. Chiana tells them that Sikozu tried to make a deal with the Grudeks, and points to the currency, which Rygel recognises as Scarran currency. Sikozu wonders with a Nebari, Hynerian and John, all from the Peacekeeper realm, what kind of currency do they have. She explains that she's Kalish, and they hate the Scarrans but she did grow up in their territory. John asks what her plan was; she bought them a ship which the Grudek would leave behind so they could live. She then notices a shake and tells the others that the Grudeks have found what they're looking for, so they will be dead soon.

The group are all near an open hatch, when Rygel asks why they've not been sucked out; Pilot is holding it closed with an electrostatic membrane, but one hit and it's busted. This is how they plan to get rid of the Brindz hound. Sikozu realises that the toubray harvesting has begun, and so she and Chiana go to find the slaughterhouse, despite the Nebari's objections, while Rygel will be the rabbit to the hound. On the way Chiana and Sikozu argue, with Sikozu climbing a wall to show Chiana that she can go places Chiana can't. Rygel soon runs in to the hound, as John finishes preparations and then lures it out with his butt, but the hound doesn't hit the door. Third attempt is a charm and it's sucked out, with John only staying in thanks to the rope and his waist. Meanwhile Ilkog walks up behind Sikozu and says that he's been expecting her.

Sikozu tells him that her contract prevents her from revealing the sacred ground's location, and that while John is highly ineffective he will fight. Ilkog says that his worries now are through, and Sikozu sarcastically hopes she isn't one of them. He says he'll honour her contribution and take her with them if she'll divert John and the others, and she thanks him offering her blessings. John grabs Sikozu as she leaves and takes her to Pilot's den, where Pilot says she has six children, leading to John calling her a mummy killer. Sikozu says she simply follows her orders and tells him not to moralise with his narrow perspective. Chiana plays back a transmission that Pilot intercepted in which the Grudeks say that no other suitable Leviathans were found, and Sikozu's employers have been made aware that her own errors lost her her life. Sikozu says that it's not fair or right, but John adds that she has limited options – in short, help them or die.

Sikozu reminds John not to shoot, and John tells Chiana that she doesn't have to do it if she doesn't want to, but she confirms her agreement. "Let's fly" Chiana says to get the plan underway. Crichton swings down on a pulley, going past the Grudeks. Chiana is on the other end and ends up in front of the Grudeks who shoot, but as they do she slows things down and as their shots miss she spots the three hoses that John must shoot. She's then pulled up to the top but is blinded. She informs Sikozu of the hoses, and with her description Sikozu tells John "right, left, then centre, no deviation." Chiana can't get hold of Sikozu's hand and as she's swinging down she accidentally pulls it off again, causing Sikozu to grab her and the pair of them fall, pulling John up in the process. He manages to shoot the hoses in order, causing an explosion that kills the Grudeks. Sikozu reminds Chiana not to drop her hand, and Rygel tries to catch John but he falls straight past and lands in some black fluid.

With the threat gone, John lets Sikozu know that she might not want to go with them, as they're not the best travelling companions. She replies, "I'm going to get my life back, I'm not going to end up like you." John then tells Pilot that he hates that she and Elack have left the sacred place, but she responds that the returning Grudek ship would've killed them before they left, so the two of them wanted to repay their debt before they passed. John says that they don't owe them, but Pilot says nevertheless they should soon arrive at the planet he thinks his friends are on, and even though it was their dream to die in that place, no dreams are guaranteed. The grace of age is that they learn to accept.

John walks a corridor and returns to the beach, telling a now pregnant-less Aeryn that he's not coming here anymore, because it doesn't change anything and makes him sad. What's left is wormholes, as he must now rebuild the equations after "new girl" smashed them up. Aeryn says that new is good, "not always" is his reply. A man walks over, handing Aeryn a drink and asking who John is. As she ponders, John says "no one" and walks away. On Moya, 1812 joins John and breaks off something for him to write with, and the overture plays as John begins working on the wormhole equations once more.

Synopsis by Dani Moure

Alternate Perspective: To see a different perspective on this episode, read Mary Wood's summary.

We have 175 images from Crichton Kicks online.
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Episode Credits
Season 4, Episode 1 - "Crichton Kicks" (Part 2 of 2)
Writer: David Kemper
Director: Andrew Prowse
Production number: 10401
First UK Transmission: 23rd Sep 2002
First US Transmission: 7th Jun 2002
Guest Stars:
Raelee Hill (Sikozu); Peter Whittle (Ilkog); Dinah Shearing (Voice of Elack's Pilot); Bob Nisevic (Nukana)
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